Have you ever felt like you aren’t doing enough as a parent? Or maybe you have had the feeling that you aren’t doing things right based on the guidelines outlined in parenting books. Are you currently making decisions that may “mess up” your kids in the long run? Let’s talk about how to overcome mom-guilt.
I think all moms has at-least once felt mom-guilt about something. Whether it’s allowing your children to have too much screen time or eat too much junk. I myself, don’t always include a vegetable as a side for family dinner. Does that make any of you moms cringe?
What is Mom-Guilt?
Mom-guilt is the shoulda and supposed to’s that you create in your head. Merely, based on the facts of what you think other moms are doing, and what you think you aren’t doing enough of.
I have been there and I am writing this post for all moms who may be feeling mom-guilt now, have felt it in the past, or may feel it in the future. I am here to let you know that it is ok to feel guilty and you too shall overcome this…
My Experience with Mom-Guilt
Mom-guilt hit me the hardest when our daughter entered kindergarten. I was so sure that she was ready. I prepped her academically for kindergarten and she was well above grade level compared to other students. But, there was one area that I didn’t prepare her for. Social skills.
Within the first week of kindergarten my husband and I realized that our daughter suffered from what seemed like the only child syndrome even though she is not a only child.
It was very challenging for her to get use to having to share with other students. Even, sharing the attention from the teacher with other students. Kindergarten was definitely a learning experience for us all.
I felt really bad as if I had failed at parenting. I mean how could I have not prepared her socially for school? What else could I have done to prepare her?
This experience made me feel that maybe I sheltered her too much. I personally do not like taking our children to places like Chuck E. Cheese or other play facilities. I am a complete germaphobe and those places reek of germs.
Our daughter always begged to go to play facilities and birthday parties. And I always would make up an excuse of why we couldn’t go. I even tried to scare her with stories of how germs are a flesh eating bacteria that you can get very ill from.
Thinking back I sounded pretty crazy. And thankfully, she wasn’t phased or traumatized by my stories about germs and how they attack the human body. SMH at the depths I went to, just to tell her no we are not going to germ filled playgrounds.
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My Failed Call to Action
Did I fail at giving her the exposure she needed prior to entering kindergarten? Maybe, having more exposure with playing and interacting with other children would have helped her to build her social skills prior to starting school.
When I realized the problem I was facing I immediately ran to sign her up for as many programs and activities that I could. Soccer. Playdates. Story time at our local library. I literally had a schedule of events specifically for her each week. Consisting of at-least 1-3 different activities.
Looking back I definitely felt like I went overboard as a result of the mom-guilt I was feeling. I realized that I was pushing her to do some activities beyond the point of her interest.
She expressed that she wanted to learn to play soccer. My first impulse was to buy a soccer ball, uniform, and cleats. I enrolled her in Little Kickers. And we showed up for practice. After watching her, she just wanted to play and be around other kids.
At that moment I realized that I needed to let up on my strict parenting. I definitely should accept more invites out to play dates with other children. Germs are everywhere and if kids are going to get sick, they are just going to get sick. I couldn’t shield her from the germs of school. [Technically, now I can with distance learning. Thank goodness for that- at-least for the moment!]
How I Overcame Mom-Guilt
I personally overcame the mom-guilt I was feeling in the experience by listening to my child. Instead of making totalitarian mom decisions to force my child to do a list of activities I make sure that it is something they want to do. I no longer create an agenda of activities that make me feel good.
At the time I was influenced to sign our daughter up for activities and sports because it seemed like the best mom decision to make. My mom friends around me were doing it. I wanted to be that soccer mom. But, that didn’t help the situation. It resulted in a quick burn out for the whole family. Losing sleep on the weekends to wake up early for practice.
I had made decisions for me and our daughter based on what I felt like everyone else was doing and managing so well. In reality, forcing your kids into programs or sports that not in their heart will only do more damage than good.
I have learned that I have to make decisions best for my kids and family. This requires not falling into the comparison spiral, comparing my family to others. And just as simple as that, my recommendation to you is to not fall into the comparison spiral, comparing your family to others.
Have you ever been a victim of mom-guilt? Maybe you are trying to improve on a parenting strategy that you feel your parent’s did not do very well. Please share your experience below. I would love to know what mom-guilt you are facing or have previously faced. How did you overcome mom-guilt?
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Monique
I’m not a mom yet but I do have nieces and nephews who I consider like as my own. I’m close with my mom and my aunts and I’ve seen them make brave decision. They put what’s best for their children above emotions, and I think that’s just amazing and strong at the same time. Mom guilt is normal and it’s not nice to feel but you get over it when you see your child healthy, safe, and away from harm. Thanks for sharing, Erica! Love this!
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